My Declaration

Confessions of the Unhappy

          I guess this is me having a midlife crisis but I just came from taking a shower and I looked in the mirror. I was surprised  because the person I saw looked like no one knew, for a moment I was confused with who exactly that person was looking back at me. She looks like a stranger. 

          As I gazed at myself I realized that I am old. And I don’t mean that in the dramatic sense like I'm an old lady but I mean I am getting older. I am not a kid anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’m drifting in life but I just can’t seem to find where I’m going, who I am or who it is that I want to be. I just don’t know anything. And when I was looking in the mirror just then I had this striking sense of disappointment of what I saw. What if my younger self met me now? Would she be impressed because honestly I’m not even impressed.

         When I was ten I figured that by the time I was 21 I’d be a big somebody I’d be slim, chic, and simply fabulous; a big girl with all her shit together, and perhaps I’d even have a boy who loved and cared about me. I figured by that time I would have experienced my first real love that shook me to the core and changed me. But I haven’t because I’m emotionally guarded and it’s almost like I’m allergic or simply terrified of being close to anyone. And the one person that I want is with someone else which is somewhat tragic but not the end of the world; because deep down I know it would never actually work . And when I see all of my friends, and my sisters and all the random lovely dovey couples around me sometimes I wonder when will it be my turn. When will I find my person that just gets me, and wants me for me.

          I looked in the mirror and realized that in 2 weeks I’ll be 19 and next year I’ll be 20 then the year after that I’ll be 21 and I’m nowhere near being anything  like what I dreamed. I don’t know shit about shit. School is literally kicking my ass because in this particular moment I’m not into it. And career wise I just don’t know how to take the first step to get me started, and my romantic life is almost completely nonexistent because I’ve been stuck on the same person from the moment I met him. But everyone thinks I’m okay and that life is amazing just smooth sailing. But I’m mentally and physically exhausted; I need a breath of fresh air something to shake me up. I looked in the mirror today and I got a reality check I am sad and lonely. And life is nothing but a series of  unexpected question marks , it’s never anything like you dream it to be. Shit happens and you’ll never be actually what you thought you would be, but you just have to learn to be okay with that. So as 19 approaches I'll be taking it with stride because I'm hoping life gets better.

xoxo Lulu

Favorite Looks from the Emmy's 2015

 Because  I am a television junkie the Emmy's is my chance to see my television God's reap the fruit of their labor. A lot of my favorite Actresses were nominated, so the excitement was real, and it got really intense when my baby-father Jon Hamm finally won his long awaited Emmy for Best Actor in a Drama. The Best Lead Actress in a Drama category was most interesting for me because I actually watch all the shows in this category (except Orphan Black) all excellent actresses.  I was really rooting for either Taraji or Viola because if either one of then won it would be the first time in 67 years that a black woman took home the prize.Tears came to my eyes when Viola Davis won the award for Best Actress in a Drama because her speech was so outstanding here's a quote;

  "‘In my mind, I see a line. And over that line, I see green fields and lovely flowers and beautiful white women with their arms stretched out to me, over that line. But I can’t seem to get there no how. I can’t seem to get over that line.’That was Harriet Tubman in the 1800s. And let me tell you something: The only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is opportunity.You cannot win an Emmy for roles that are simply not there. So here’s to all the writers, the awesome people that are Ben Sherwood, Paul Lee, Peter Nowalk, Shonda Rhimes, people who have redefined what it means to be beautiful, to be sexy, to be a leading woman, to be black. And to the Taraji P. Henson’s, the Kerry Washington’s, the Halle Berry’s, the Nicole Beharies, the Meagan Goods, to Gabrielle Union: Thank you for taking us over that line. Thank you to the Television Academy. Thank you.'"

 Viola Davis winning showed black girls and women of color that yes we can . Yes we can be on television, telling interesting, real life, and in-depth stories. She made an excellent point about opportunity and a lot of people got into their feeling when she specifically mention her hardship  and spoke about her experience as a woman of color. But I took it as her speaking about her struggle and sharing her truth as a black woman. Yes there are a lot of different hardships that women today in the film industry face such as sexism, and inequality in pay, but when you look at the hardships that  black and Hispanic women face you can't even begin to compare. 
   Another big win was Uzo Aduba for Outstanding  Supporting Actress in a Drama and Regina Hall for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited series all these women were amazing an well deserved their award, altogether it was an amazing show and a huge win for women of color. So here a few of my favorite looks. 

xoxo Lulu

Laverne Cox in Calvin Klein

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Mother monster slayed in two gorgeous Brandon Maxwell

Kerry Washington in Marc Jacob

Padma Lakshmi in  Romona Leveza

 

* Disclaimer: All photos used in this post do not belong to me.